01: Hard to Breathe

I dropped the last box on the floor and flopped down onto the over sized couch in the middle of the room. My heart was pounding, I felt light-headed, and I was finding it hard to breathe. "Guess I'm going to have to get used to the altitude," I said out loud to no one in particular.
The truth is, I've felt this way for the last six months. Like I was suffocating and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't catch my breath; but for a very different reason.
Six months ago my life; my wonderful, fulfilling, perfect, enviable life came crashing down around me.
Six months ago, to the day I was surrounded by family and friends celebrating at my rehearsal dinner. My closest girlfriends Lauren, Gina, Sarah, Beth and I were huddled in a corner sipping champagne and watching the group of men across the room hoot and holler, banging their fists on the bar encouraging a tall, dark and extremely handsome man to chug his beer. He did, and when he was finished, he slammed the cup on the bar, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and winked one of his crystal clear blue eyes at me. I instantly felt butterflies in my stomach and was finding it hard to breathe.
"I can't believe how lucky you are Elle. Shawn is so amazing, and totally perfect for you," Sarah said while the other girls nodded their heads.
"Not to mention, totally hot," Beth added before covering her mouth with her hand unable to believe she just said that out loud.
"Seriously Elle, you have the perfect life; the career of your dreams, the most amazing family, and you are about to marry the hottest firefighter in New York City! You're going to get married and have a whole clan of perfect babies and the white picket fence. I am so jealous!" added Gina.
"Girls, leave her alone," Lauren warned. "We all know if anyone deserves the fairytale it's Elle. They've been through so much to get here; it's about time they got to have their happy ending."
I smiled and the girls friendly banter. No one had to tell me how lucky I was and the long, hard road I had travelled to get here.


I was the baby, and only girl, in a large, close-knit, Irish-Catholic family. My big brothers Danny, Mark, Matty, and Patrick were all firefighters, as was my father, grandfather, and every single male cousin in my family. You could say it was sort of like a birth right; an expectation of sorts, that if you were born into the O'Connor family, you would automatically become one of New York city's finest. Unless you were a girl; which until me, there hadn't been one in three generations.
My life could have gone in another direction, I could have been the disappointment of the family, shunned by my father and brothers because I didn't have a penis, but thankfully it didn't. I was the apple of my father's eye, truly the definition of daddy's little girl, and my brothers were the typical overprotective kind.
Shawn Gallagher and Patty were rookies in the the firehouse that Danny worked in. From the moment I met him when I was twenty, it was instant chemistry; love at first sight if you believe in that kind of thing, and it was going to be a huge deal to get my brothers and my father to allow me to date him. I think the only saving grace was he was a good Irish-Catholic boy who happened to be a firefighter. Shawn made sure to do everything by the book and brought my dad and brothers together and told them he had feelings for me and asked their permission to date me. That sold them. I'm pretty sure my family started planning our wedding the next day.

We had been together for five years; five very tumultuous years. We all had physically survived September 11, but mentally the boys were destroyed. They had all lost family; brothers, and each of them had to find their own way to deal with it. Shawn closed himself off and began drinking alot. It was hard to watch the man I loved try and destroy himself and us, but I loved him and stood by him no matter what. One day out of the blue he stopped drinking and became his old self. He had been in therapy for two years but this sudden transformation was a little scary. The truth was, I was so desperate to have him back, I pushed my fears aside and welcomed the old Shawn back with open arms. On our seventh anniversary, he took me down to the site where they were building the memorial for those who perished that day. It seemed that every person I knew was there; my family and friends were all there to witness what was about to happen. Shawn took my hands in his and told me how much he loved me; appreciated me standing by him and credited me for his return from the dark side.
"I will never know the kind of love that you have shown me over the last seven years again. You have been with me through the very best and the very worst and your love has never faltered. I am a better man because of you, and I never want to know what it's like to be without you. I love you Ellery O'Connor and in front of all our family and friends, I am asking you to marry me. Shawn was the most amazing man I had ever met and I couldn't imagine my life without him. As he was down on one knee holding the ring out to me, I looked at my father only to see tears in his eyes. I said yes immediately and the wedding plans began and two years later here we were at my rehersal dinner.

"Elley belly," my youngest brother's irritating whine shook me from my thoughts, "Hook me up with one of your hot friends; I'm drunk and horny!"
"That's precisely why I'm NOT going to let you near any of my friends Patty, nice try though."
"C'mon Elly belly, pleeeeeeease?"
"Absolutely not! This is my rehersal dinner and no one is going to be hooking up with any one got it?"
"Yes mame!" he stood at attention and saluted me.
"I need to go find Shawn, have you seen him?"
"Last time I saw him he was headed to the john."
"That is so tacky Patty! Tell me you will show a little more class on my wedding day?"
"I don't get it! How did you get to be so...so...girly when you grew up with us?"
I smiled at my brother and pulled him into a hug.
"I don't know, but thank god one of got some class," I said into his ear.
He squeezed me tight and without letting me go asked, "Are you happy Elly belly?"
"If I were any happier I'd explode!"
"Then go find that lucky son of a bitch you're marrying tomorrow."
"I love you Patty."

My search for my husband to be turned up empty. No one had seen him. I remembered Patty telling me he saw him headed toward the bathroom and decided to check to see if he was there.
As I approached the bathroom door I heard noises coming from inside; carnal noises followed by voices. I turned to leave, not wanting to interrupt when I heard a familiar voice.
"I can't believe you needed to do this here; this is your god damn rehersal dinner! She could walk by the door for christ sakes."
"I don't know why you're so worried about getting caught now Lo, you've been fucking me for the last year and never worried about it."
"Yeah, well she's never been in the next room before! Promise me she'll never find out Shawn, I mean this is it anyways. You guys are getting married tomorrow and then it's over. She can't ever find out about us."
"Too late."
"Oh my God, Elle!" Lauren exclaimed. "This isn't what it looks like," she started, adjusting her dress as she spoke.
"Oh good! Cause it looks like my best friend and maid of honour is in the men's bathroom fucking my fiancee at my rehersal dinner, so thank god it's not what it looks like!" I yelled
"Elle, lets not overreact here," Shawn started coming towards me.
"Don't you fucking touch me!" I yelled backing away from him. "A year! You've been sleeping with my best friend for a year and you tell me not to overreact? You disgust me! You both disgust me!"
I ran from the bathroom and right into the arms of my oldest brother Danny.
"What's wrong Elly?"
"I need to go home," I said through the tears. "The wedding is off. I need you to take me home. Please Danny!" I sobbed.

I stayed in New York another six months, but only to finish off the school year. I couldn't leave my students part way through the year. As soon as school was out, I was packing up and ready to move.
My family tried desperately to talk me out of leaving. "No O'Connor has ever left New York Ellery," my father tried, "You can't just up and leave your family."
"I can't stay here Daddy. Everything reminds me of him and I feel like I'm suffocating."
"Your brothers have taken care of that piece of trash. He won't ever bother you again."
"It's not that. I just can't stay in this city. Daddy I have to do this, I have to go."
"But why so far away? Denver? That is so random, it makes mo sense. It's not like we have any ties out there. What's in Denver for you?"
"My job for starters. They have amazing schools and I got a great job waiting for me. Not having any ties is kind of the point. I don't want to be anywhere that people might know me or what happened. It's the chance to start fresh. I can be anyone I want to be out there, besides, you know I've always wanted to see the rocky mountains."
"There's no talking you out of this is there?"
"No Daddy, I'm sorry," I said wrapping him in a hug. "I'll miss you so much."
The tears started to flow freely now, leaving my family was tearing me apart.
"If you need anything, call and we will be on the next plane."
"I know you will Daddy, but it's time to let your little girl go."
"Never."
He kissed my cheek and I gave everyone one last hug before boarding the plane; my family watching helplessly as I left to embark on a new life; a life without Shawn.

The ringing of my cell phone brought me back from my memories.
"Hello?"
"Hey Elly belly, how are the mountains?"
I turned around to look out my floor to ceiling window that gave me a breathtaking view of the rocky mountains.
"Patty, they're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and I get to wake up to them every day."
"Are you all moved in?"
"Just got the last of the boxes up, now I just have to unpack."
"Ellery?"
Patty never used my full name unless he was trying to be serious.
"What's wrong?" I asked a little panic stricken.
"I miss you so much it hurts," he whispered.
"I haven't even been gone twenty-four hours yet."
"I know, but losing you is like losing one of my limbs. How am I going to learn to cope without you?"
"You just will. I may not be there with you, but it's not like we're not going to talk every day. Please try and be happy for me Patty; I really need this."
"I will never forgive him for driving you away from here," he said softly.
"It's time to close that chapter Patty. He's not worth the effort it takes to hate him. He made a fool out of me and if I had stayed, I would never escape those looks of pity from everyone. This is a fresh start for me; a place where nobody knows what happened. This is what I need to do. You understand that right?"
"Yeah, I understand, but that doesn't mean I have to like it."
"Just try and be happy for me okay? I gotta go, I have ton of stuff to unpack. I love you Patty."
"I love you too Elly belly."

I hung up the phone and flopped back down on the couch.
'This is it girl,' I thought to myself. 'This is the beginning of the rest of your life!"