02: Neighbours

I woke up the next morning feeling refreshed. It was the first night I'd slept through without having nightmares in six months. I'd been in Denver less than 24 hours and it's already done more for me than anything I had back home.
I wandered out into the living room and stood in awe looking out at the mountains.
'People really have no idea how lucky they are to wake up to this,' I thought to myself. I turned around only to find the huge mess of boxes that I had left last night waiting for me.
"Where to start?" I asked out loud.
"Bedroom." Great! Not only was I talking to myself, but now I was answering myself too!

Six hours later I had the bedroom, master bath, guest bath, kitchen, guest room, and office unpacked; all I had left was the living room. The hardest part about that was finding homes for my extensive book, dvd, and music collection. Most people thought it was ridiculous that I still collected vinyl records but I was a sucker for old school, timeless music; a shared love I had with my father.

I found some take out menus the real estate agent had left for me and decided on Mexican. I had serious doubts that anything here could measure up to the amazing food we had in New York, but thought I'd give it a try anyway.

With my food ordered, I set out putting my books away. Two hours later I cursed myself for having this many books. I poured myself another glass of wine and started on the last box of my cherished literary works of art.

I was down to the last few when one slipped out of my hand and fell to the floor. When I picked up my tattered, original print copy of Gone With the Wind, something fell out on the floor. I suddenly felt a knot in my stomach and my hands were trembling. I picked up the three pieces of paper that had escaped and when I flipped them over, my heart started racing and I had a vile taste in my mouth.

I collapsed back onto my couch clenching the paper in my hand. I forced myself to flip them over and regretted it the moment I did. Staring back at me were two people I didn't even know anymore; one of whom I had loved and given my heart to completely.
The first picture was of Shawn and I at my graduation from NYU. I had the biggest smile on my face and Shawn was kissing my cheek as I threw my grad cap up in the air.
The second was from the night we got engaged. Our family was behind us in the background and Shawn was on one knee slipping the ring on my finger. Again, I had a huge smile on my face and tears rolling down my cheeks. The last one was from our rehearsal. We were standing in front of St. Patrick's Cathedral; the place I had always dreamed of getting married, and we were just looking at each other and smiling. That was the last time I had a genuine smile on my face. Hours later, my entire world shattered.

That's how I was feeling right now; shattered. Shawn Gallagher had broken me; not just my heart, but me. I had serious doubt that I would ever feel whole again. Against my will, tears started to fall and I realized I never allowed myself to grieve. In a split second I lost the only man I ever loved; the only man I could ever love, as well as my best friend. Worst of all, I lost myself.

The first few weeks were unbearable. Friends and family constantly stopping by and calling to see "how I was holding up." The looks of pity on their faces made me want to leap from the top of the Empire State building. One thing about being raised an O'Connor was I had to be tough. I may have been a girly girl, but I certainly knew how to take care of myself. To that end, I never let anyone see me cry; except Patty. I put on a brave face and tried to show everyone that I was okay; that I would not let what Shawn and Lauren did to me get the best of me. They would not win.
I don't know who I was trying to fool more, them or myself. Patty was the only one who knew how broken I really was.

Now, there was no one here but me. I stared at the people in those pictures and I didn't recognize them anymore. The man in these pictures was certainly not the same man I caught pulling his dick out of my best friend; correction former best friend. And that girl; that poor, clueless, delusionally happy, stupidly naive girl. That girl was...pathetic. She actually believed a man like Shawn Gallagher could love her and give her the happily ever after he promised. Thank god that girl was gone now; stupid girl.

I couldn't stop the flood gates once they opened. With pictures still in hand I went to the kitchen to get another bottle of wine, and on my way back to the couch, turned my ipod on to the playlist that had every sappy, he broke my heart and I'll never recover song ever made and cranked it.

I don't know how much time had gone by; enough for me to finish that bottle of wine; shed over a thousand tears, and start then stop myself from tearing the pictures to shreds. I had past the point of sadness and moved on to anger. I pranced around the condo singing the words to every men are pieces of shit, I hate you you lying, cheating bastard song at the top of my lungs; stopping only briefly to yell obscenities at the image of my former husband to be.

As the song was fading out I heard banging at the door. I stumbled over a few stacks of books left on the floor and opened the door. All I saw was the top of some guy's head who was bent over with his hand out supporting himself with the wall.
"Dude, it's almost one in the morning. Some of us have to get up early. For the love of God turn this shit off!"
When he finally looked up he was surprised at who he saw standing in front of him.
"Oh,um, sorry for...cursing, I just..."
"No, I'm sorry. The real estate agent told me my neighbour didn't live here over the summer. I didn't know anyone else was around. I am so, so sorry."
"No, it's okay; your agent was right. I'm usually not here til September."
"Still, that's no excuse. I will make sure to keep the music down from now on."
"At least you could pick something a little more cheery next time," he said chuckling.
That put me at ease a little and I noticed three things: one- this guy had gorgeous blue eyes; two - he was very tall; and three - his voice was deep and smooth and it reminded me of melted butter sliding over a hot cob of corn.
"I'm Ellery, Ellery O'Connor," I said extending my hand.
"What a different name. I'm Kyle. Kyle Quincey."
We shook hands and I felt an instant sense of...comfort.
"So you're from New York," he said more like a statement than a question.
"Yeah, how'd you know?"
"Your accent kind of gave it away."
"I don't have an accent!"
He laughed. "Maybe not in New York, but you sure do here! So what brings you to the Mile High city?"
I realized we were still standing in the door way.
"Do you want to come in for a bit?" I asked.
"I do but...I really should get home and try and get some sleep."
"Again, I'm sorry."
"It's okay. It was nice meeting you Ellery. If there's anything you need I'm right upstairs okay?"
"Actually...there is something."
"What's that?"
"Can you tell me where I can get a good cup of coffee?"
"I can do better than that. How about I show you? Say 9 am?"
"Yuck. Why so early?"
"9 is not early," he laughed.
"Fine. 9 it is."
"Great, see you then."
"Goodnight Kyle."
"Sweet dreams New York."

I shut the door and locked it and leaned back against it. What the hell just happened here? I looked at the clock and groaned. I don't know, but 9 am isn't that far away!

01: Hard to Breathe

I dropped the last box on the floor and flopped down onto the over sized couch in the middle of the room. My heart was pounding, I felt light-headed, and I was finding it hard to breathe. "Guess I'm going to have to get used to the altitude," I said out loud to no one in particular.
The truth is, I've felt this way for the last six months. Like I was suffocating and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't catch my breath; but for a very different reason.
Six months ago my life; my wonderful, fulfilling, perfect, enviable life came crashing down around me.
Six months ago, to the day I was surrounded by family and friends celebrating at my rehearsal dinner. My closest girlfriends Lauren, Gina, Sarah, Beth and I were huddled in a corner sipping champagne and watching the group of men across the room hoot and holler, banging their fists on the bar encouraging a tall, dark and extremely handsome man to chug his beer. He did, and when he was finished, he slammed the cup on the bar, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and winked one of his crystal clear blue eyes at me. I instantly felt butterflies in my stomach and was finding it hard to breathe.
"I can't believe how lucky you are Elle. Shawn is so amazing, and totally perfect for you," Sarah said while the other girls nodded their heads.
"Not to mention, totally hot," Beth added before covering her mouth with her hand unable to believe she just said that out loud.
"Seriously Elle, you have the perfect life; the career of your dreams, the most amazing family, and you are about to marry the hottest firefighter in New York City! You're going to get married and have a whole clan of perfect babies and the white picket fence. I am so jealous!" added Gina.
"Girls, leave her alone," Lauren warned. "We all know if anyone deserves the fairytale it's Elle. They've been through so much to get here; it's about time they got to have their happy ending."
I smiled and the girls friendly banter. No one had to tell me how lucky I was and the long, hard road I had travelled to get here.


I was the baby, and only girl, in a large, close-knit, Irish-Catholic family. My big brothers Danny, Mark, Matty, and Patrick were all firefighters, as was my father, grandfather, and every single male cousin in my family. You could say it was sort of like a birth right; an expectation of sorts, that if you were born into the O'Connor family, you would automatically become one of New York city's finest. Unless you were a girl; which until me, there hadn't been one in three generations.
My life could have gone in another direction, I could have been the disappointment of the family, shunned by my father and brothers because I didn't have a penis, but thankfully it didn't. I was the apple of my father's eye, truly the definition of daddy's little girl, and my brothers were the typical overprotective kind.
Shawn Gallagher and Patty were rookies in the the firehouse that Danny worked in. From the moment I met him when I was twenty, it was instant chemistry; love at first sight if you believe in that kind of thing, and it was going to be a huge deal to get my brothers and my father to allow me to date him. I think the only saving grace was he was a good Irish-Catholic boy who happened to be a firefighter. Shawn made sure to do everything by the book and brought my dad and brothers together and told them he had feelings for me and asked their permission to date me. That sold them. I'm pretty sure my family started planning our wedding the next day.

We had been together for five years; five very tumultuous years. We all had physically survived September 11, but mentally the boys were destroyed. They had all lost family; brothers, and each of them had to find their own way to deal with it. Shawn closed himself off and began drinking alot. It was hard to watch the man I loved try and destroy himself and us, but I loved him and stood by him no matter what. One day out of the blue he stopped drinking and became his old self. He had been in therapy for two years but this sudden transformation was a little scary. The truth was, I was so desperate to have him back, I pushed my fears aside and welcomed the old Shawn back with open arms. On our seventh anniversary, he took me down to the site where they were building the memorial for those who perished that day. It seemed that every person I knew was there; my family and friends were all there to witness what was about to happen. Shawn took my hands in his and told me how much he loved me; appreciated me standing by him and credited me for his return from the dark side.
"I will never know the kind of love that you have shown me over the last seven years again. You have been with me through the very best and the very worst and your love has never faltered. I am a better man because of you, and I never want to know what it's like to be without you. I love you Ellery O'Connor and in front of all our family and friends, I am asking you to marry me. Shawn was the most amazing man I had ever met and I couldn't imagine my life without him. As he was down on one knee holding the ring out to me, I looked at my father only to see tears in his eyes. I said yes immediately and the wedding plans began and two years later here we were at my rehersal dinner.

"Elley belly," my youngest brother's irritating whine shook me from my thoughts, "Hook me up with one of your hot friends; I'm drunk and horny!"
"That's precisely why I'm NOT going to let you near any of my friends Patty, nice try though."
"C'mon Elly belly, pleeeeeeease?"
"Absolutely not! This is my rehersal dinner and no one is going to be hooking up with any one got it?"
"Yes mame!" he stood at attention and saluted me.
"I need to go find Shawn, have you seen him?"
"Last time I saw him he was headed to the john."
"That is so tacky Patty! Tell me you will show a little more class on my wedding day?"
"I don't get it! How did you get to be so...so...girly when you grew up with us?"
I smiled at my brother and pulled him into a hug.
"I don't know, but thank god one of got some class," I said into his ear.
He squeezed me tight and without letting me go asked, "Are you happy Elly belly?"
"If I were any happier I'd explode!"
"Then go find that lucky son of a bitch you're marrying tomorrow."
"I love you Patty."

My search for my husband to be turned up empty. No one had seen him. I remembered Patty telling me he saw him headed toward the bathroom and decided to check to see if he was there.
As I approached the bathroom door I heard noises coming from inside; carnal noises followed by voices. I turned to leave, not wanting to interrupt when I heard a familiar voice.
"I can't believe you needed to do this here; this is your god damn rehersal dinner! She could walk by the door for christ sakes."
"I don't know why you're so worried about getting caught now Lo, you've been fucking me for the last year and never worried about it."
"Yeah, well she's never been in the next room before! Promise me she'll never find out Shawn, I mean this is it anyways. You guys are getting married tomorrow and then it's over. She can't ever find out about us."
"Too late."
"Oh my God, Elle!" Lauren exclaimed. "This isn't what it looks like," she started, adjusting her dress as she spoke.
"Oh good! Cause it looks like my best friend and maid of honour is in the men's bathroom fucking my fiancee at my rehersal dinner, so thank god it's not what it looks like!" I yelled
"Elle, lets not overreact here," Shawn started coming towards me.
"Don't you fucking touch me!" I yelled backing away from him. "A year! You've been sleeping with my best friend for a year and you tell me not to overreact? You disgust me! You both disgust me!"
I ran from the bathroom and right into the arms of my oldest brother Danny.
"What's wrong Elly?"
"I need to go home," I said through the tears. "The wedding is off. I need you to take me home. Please Danny!" I sobbed.

I stayed in New York another six months, but only to finish off the school year. I couldn't leave my students part way through the year. As soon as school was out, I was packing up and ready to move.
My family tried desperately to talk me out of leaving. "No O'Connor has ever left New York Ellery," my father tried, "You can't just up and leave your family."
"I can't stay here Daddy. Everything reminds me of him and I feel like I'm suffocating."
"Your brothers have taken care of that piece of trash. He won't ever bother you again."
"It's not that. I just can't stay in this city. Daddy I have to do this, I have to go."
"But why so far away? Denver? That is so random, it makes mo sense. It's not like we have any ties out there. What's in Denver for you?"
"My job for starters. They have amazing schools and I got a great job waiting for me. Not having any ties is kind of the point. I don't want to be anywhere that people might know me or what happened. It's the chance to start fresh. I can be anyone I want to be out there, besides, you know I've always wanted to see the rocky mountains."
"There's no talking you out of this is there?"
"No Daddy, I'm sorry," I said wrapping him in a hug. "I'll miss you so much."
The tears started to flow freely now, leaving my family was tearing me apart.
"If you need anything, call and we will be on the next plane."
"I know you will Daddy, but it's time to let your little girl go."
"Never."
He kissed my cheek and I gave everyone one last hug before boarding the plane; my family watching helplessly as I left to embark on a new life; a life without Shawn.

The ringing of my cell phone brought me back from my memories.
"Hello?"
"Hey Elly belly, how are the mountains?"
I turned around to look out my floor to ceiling window that gave me a breathtaking view of the rocky mountains.
"Patty, they're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and I get to wake up to them every day."
"Are you all moved in?"
"Just got the last of the boxes up, now I just have to unpack."
"Ellery?"
Patty never used my full name unless he was trying to be serious.
"What's wrong?" I asked a little panic stricken.
"I miss you so much it hurts," he whispered.
"I haven't even been gone twenty-four hours yet."
"I know, but losing you is like losing one of my limbs. How am I going to learn to cope without you?"
"You just will. I may not be there with you, but it's not like we're not going to talk every day. Please try and be happy for me Patty; I really need this."
"I will never forgive him for driving you away from here," he said softly.
"It's time to close that chapter Patty. He's not worth the effort it takes to hate him. He made a fool out of me and if I had stayed, I would never escape those looks of pity from everyone. This is a fresh start for me; a place where nobody knows what happened. This is what I need to do. You understand that right?"
"Yeah, I understand, but that doesn't mean I have to like it."
"Just try and be happy for me okay? I gotta go, I have ton of stuff to unpack. I love you Patty."
"I love you too Elly belly."

I hung up the phone and flopped back down on the couch.
'This is it girl,' I thought to myself. 'This is the beginning of the rest of your life!"